Missing the love of my life - w4m - 28 (fort collins)
age : 28 : With Love
As it is the day of hearts I figured I would type mine out and post it to the ether.
I know that once in awhile you read things on here so maybe you'll get home from your partying tonight and read this.
I love you.
This is the fourth day of the hearts that we've spent together, in a weird obscure way for two of them but we've been together none the less. I wonder what it will be like when the year comes that we don't spend it together.
What I want to tell you is that you will be a love of my life until the last breath I have leaves this body. Yes there may be another or possibly others but you will hold that space in my heart. I will think of you fondly for always and maybe some tiny part of me will continue to hold on to hope for you.
The pain and suffering we were causing each other by the end was too much. It became toxic and we both did a lot of things to hurt one another. Intentionally or unintentionally it was the same. Even after all this time I thought that the pain would lessen, but as each layer comes up it still hurts. I have spent the last months being mostly angry, but finally the deeper grief and loss is coming up now. For what I have lost is great, it spans lifetimes.
All I have wanted was to love you in the deepest way a person can. I really love you and share a deep soul connection with you. I have always believed in the power of love and I thought that if I just loved you enough that I could heal your wounds and that then we could heal together. What I didn't realize was that there has to be self love. You have to forgive your self and love yourself enough in order to allow for another to love you in a deep way. Self love means caring for yourself, doing what is in your best and highest good. Being your best and highest self for you so that you can then share that with another person.
It's important for you to know that even though it ended, and it was hard. The relationship was valuable to me in my life. In fact I still love you and miss you terribly night after night. I mourn the loss of our many possibilities, the loss of our deep connection and the loss of our love.
I would give anything to know that you were truly healing.
But all I've heard and all I see is you continuing to hurt yourself. Continuing to sit in you self loathing and hatred and watch you spiral further down the bad rabbit hole. I will give anything to see you truly healing. For you to turn deeply inward and take true ownership for how you keep hurting yourself. It seems that instead of that you just go deeper in the other direction trying to hide your feelings under a cloud of smoke and in the bottom of a pint glass. I don't think it's working for you my love. Your a leader trapping yourself in a follower's cloak, unwilling to accept all of yourself and repeating your family history.
I can deal and process all of the pain and hurt that we went through. That you put me through and that I put you through if I knew it was for something. If I knew that what came out of it was your true health. Your sobriety. You living a life you truly love. You being happy and healthy. I pray everyday that someday I get to see you that way. That's why it is so painful right now because I just see you repeating your same patterns. Digging yourself deeper into your hole. There are many who love and care for you. Many who have tried to give you a hand, tried throwing you a rope or a ladder, but you've got to want to climb out. I even tried crawling in there with you. That just caused the hole to get bigger and deeper.
So on this day of hearts I feel my deepest heart break. Which is the loss of you. The greatest tragic love story is when two people who have a deep connect and share a deep love for one another can't be together even though they love each other. Usually it's some outside force keeping them apart. In this case it's your internal demons that keep us apart. Our story is the tragic love story, because even though I know that I love you with all of my being and that you love me with all of yours we can't be together.
So may you find your heart my love, may you learn to love yourself. If you do I pray that I will hear from you. I will rejoice in the day that I know you are happy and healthy.
Sending you the love I am filled with for you from the depths of my heart.
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